He stole roses off a stranger's grave for Mother's Day. The card still said 'For Mama, Love Eugene.' His mother is named Deborah. She made him return them in person.
He broke in, asked Alexa to play heist music, and Alexa pinged the homeowner's phone with an alert: 'Unknown voice request.' He was still trying to bargain with it when the cops arrived.
She crashed a wedding, sobbed through the ceremony, caught the bouquet, proposed to the best man, called him the wrong name, and fell into the cake during her toast.
He pulled a transparent grocery bag over his head, walked into a bank, and slid a note across the counter. The teller knew him by name. He said 'dang it' and waited for the cops.
He asked ChatGPT how to rob a liquor store, printed all 14 pages, brought them to the robbery, left them on the counter, and printed the part where the AI told him not to.
He reviewed Roomba footage to find the burglar. He found the burglar. He also found his wife. And his neighbor. The Roomba had recorded all 43 minutes of it.
She called the cops on a 'suspicious man' on her porch. It was her son she hadn't seen in 14 months, delivering her DoorDash order. She took the sushi and tipped him $4.
Cinco de Mayo got her. Staff found her face-down in a 100-ounce margarita pitcher she'd refused to share. She told the server she 'lived here now' and tried to take the pitcher home.
He stole a riding mower, drove it 2.7 miles to a McDonald's drive-thru, ordered 40 McNuggets, and had a philosophical debate with the cashier about whether a lawnmower is a vehicle.