He stole roses off a stranger's grave for Mother's Day. The card still said 'For Mama, Love Eugene.' His mother is named Deborah. She made him return them in person.
She called the cops on a 'suspicious man' on her porch. It was her son she hadn't seen in 14 months, delivering her DoorDash order. She took the sushi and tipped him $4.
She hotboxed her Subaru so hard that a passing jogger got a contact high, ate an entire sleeve of Girl Scout cookies, and forgot how to run.
He ate twelve pot brownies thinking they were regular office treats. He then spent 45 minutes in a supply closet alphabetizing paper clips and narrating an elevator.
A drug-detection K-9 escaped his handler's backyard on his day off, wandered to a neighbor's 4/20 party, and sat in perfect alert position next to the stash. He ignored the hot dog they offered him.
She called 911 from inside Augusta National claiming her boyfriend was holding her hostage. She'd been watching golf for twelve hours. She did not want to be there.
He broke in, filled a pillowcase with valuables, then fell asleep in the recliner. The homeowner made him coffee before calling 911.
She called 911 on herself because she was 'driving too good' after eleven margaritas and suspected her car was haunted.
They told family they'd been kidnapped by masked men. Police found them at Buffalo Wild Wings watching the Jayhawks game.