Fender called 911 to report a burglary at his apartment, then voluntarily provided dispatchers with a detailed spreadsheet listing seven cannabis strains by name, purchase prices, and estimated retail markup. He was waiting on his porch with a printed copy when officers arrived. The document included a business plan for an operation called ‘Dusty’s Dank Depot,’ complete with profit margins, a customer loyalty program, and a logo. A whiteboard on his refrigerator read ‘4/20 BLOWOUT — BUY 2 GET 1.’ He asked intake if the holiday counted as a mitigating circumstance. It does not.