BOOKING REPORT Booking #JR-2026-000181

Wyatt Colton "Lasso" Birdsong

Age20
GenderMale
RaceWhite
Booking DateMarch 29, 2026 at 2:50 PM
Booking NumberJR-2026-000181

Incident Details

Birdsong was asked to leave Lenox Square Mall after riding a mechanical bull coin-op intended for children. He refused, and when a security guard approached, the suspect produced a lasso from his backpack and roped the guard from approximately fifteen feet away, pinning his arms to his sides. Birdsong then attempted to ‘tie off’ the lasso to a Wetzel’s Pretzels stanchion. The guard, a former high school wrestler, freed himself in under eight seconds. Birdsong told police he ‘panicked’ and that the lasso was ‘for rodeo practice.’ He is not enrolled in any rodeo.

DISCLAIMER: This booking report is entirely fictional and satirical. This is not a real arrest record. Any resemblance to actual persons is purely coincidental.