Couple’s Roomba Captures Footage of Burglary, Husband Discovers Wife’s Affair Instead

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PHOENIX, AZ — A Phoenix homeowner reviewing footage from his smart Roomba in an effort to identify a burglar instead uncovered an entirely separate and significantly more uncomfortable crime: his wife’s ongoing affair with their next-door neighbor, who appeared in the same footage approximately 47 hours before the break-in, doing — per the police report — “nothing burglary-adjacent whatsoever.”

Daniel Reece Holcomb, 38, had purchased a high-end smart Roomba equipped with a built-in camera and 30-day cloud storage approximately six months ago. After reporting a Tuesday morning break-in that resulted in the theft of a PlayStation 5 and approximately $200 in cash, Holcomb spent Thursday evening combing through Roomba footage with the assistance of investigating officer Det. Yvonne Marquez, hoping to identify the burglar’s entry point.

Two Crimes, One Roomba

The Roomba had captured the burglar entering through an unlocked side door at 8:14 a.m. Tuesday. It had also captured, on a separate cleaning cycle approximately two days earlier, footage of Holcomb’s wife Lindsay, 36, in what Det. Marquez later described in her notes as “a clearly non-platonic arrangement with the gentleman who lives at the property immediately to the east.”

“I am trained to look for suspects. I am not trained to look at this. I tried to scrub past it. The Roomba had recorded forty-three minutes of it. The Roomba was very thorough.” — Det. Yvonne Marquez, Phoenix PD

The burglar was identified through a separate angle and arrested Friday morning. He is Kevin Lyle Mathers, 24, of nearby Glendale, and has been booked on charges of residential burglary. Mr. Mathers is unrelated to the affair. The neighbor, Trent Whitmore, 41, was not arrested but has reportedly moved his car off his driveway as of this week.

Mathers’s mugshot has been posted to JailReport.lol with a special note from our editorial team: “This man’s crime is technically the smaller story here.” Mr. Holcomb has filed for divorce. Mrs. Holcomb is reportedly seeking custody of the Roomba, which she has named “Hank.” Mathers’s bond has been set at $7,500. Hank remains in the kitchen, where he is presumed to be still cleaning, still recording, still seeing everything.

DISCLAIMER: This article is entirely fictional and satirical. Any resemblance to real events or persons is purely coincidental.