TAMPA, FL — A 31-year-old Tampa man dialed 911 on the evening of April 20th to report a burglary at his apartment, during which he voluntarily provided dispatchers with a precise inventory of the stolen property: “approximately 14 ounces of mid-grade cannabis, a digital scale, 200 sandwich baggies, and a SpongeBob bong I’ve had since college.”

Dustin Kyle Fender reportedly called at 8:47 p.m., telling the dispatcher that someone had broken into his apartment while he was “out celebrating the holiday” and taken his “entire supply.” When the dispatcher asked him to clarify what type of property was stolen, Fender allegedly provided a detailed spreadsheet he had saved on his phone that included strain names, purchase prices, and estimated retail markup.

Snitching on Yourself: A 4/20 Tradition

Officers arrived to find Fender waiting on his front porch with a printed copy of the spreadsheet, which he handed to deputies “for the investigation.” The document listed seven strains by name, including one labeled “Uncle Rick’s Mystery Bag” with a note reading “DO NOT SELL — personal use only.”

“He had a whole business plan. Profit margins, a customer loyalty program, everything. He called it ‘Dusty’s Dank Depot.’ He gave us the logo. He had a logo.” — Deputy Gina Ferraro, Hillsborough County SO

A search of the apartment confirmed that while the cannabis was indeed gone, officers found residual evidence consistent with distribution, including the baggies, the scale, and a whiteboard on the refrigerator reading “4/20 BLOWOUT — BUY 2 GET 1.” No burglary charges were filed. Instead, Fender was arrested on charges of possession with intent to distribute and maintaining a drug premises.

Fender was booked into the Hillsborough County Jail, where he reportedly asked the intake officer if the holiday counted as a mitigating circumstance. It does not. His JailReport.lol booking has been tagged as an editors’ pick for 4/20. Bond has been set at $5,000.