PORTLAND, OR — A 33-year-old woman accused of stealing packages across several Portland neighborhoods has been arrested under unusual circumstances after she allegedly left handwritten “reviews” of the stolen contents on the victims’ doorsteps, complete with star ratings, critiques, and in one case, suggestions for improvement.

Heather Dawn Brunner allegedly swiped at least a dozen packages over two weeks but distinguished herself from typical porch pirates by leaving behind index cards rating the items she took. One card, left after she stole a set of bedsheets, read: “3/5. Thread count lower than advertised. Color nice. — H.” Another, following the theft of a protein powder tub, read: “1/5. Chalky. Do not recommend. Would not steal again.”

A Critic Among Thieves

The reviews ultimately led to Brunner’s arrest, as detectives were able to use the consistent handwriting, the signature “H,” and one card on which she had absentmindedly written a partial return address to build a case. Police described the reviews as “oddly thorough” and “genuinely useful, if we ignore the felonies.”

“She gave a stolen air fryer four stars but docked a point because the box was ‘hard to open.’ Ma’am, it’s not yours. The box being hard to open is not the crime here.” — Det. Raymond Choi, Portland PD

Brunner was booked into the Multnomah County Detention Center on multiple counts of mail theft. Investigators recovered several stolen items from her apartment, each tagged with a sticky note bearing a score out of five. Her JailReport.lol booking has been filed under WTF News, where commenters have noted she gave the local jail “two stars” upon intake, citing “poor lighting and limited menu.” Bond was set at $4,000.