O’Shaughnessy was found unconscious and extremely clean inside the drying tunnel of a SparkleWash automated car wash at approximately 1:20 AM. Security footage shows the suspect entering the facility shirtless, inserting $12 in quarters, selecting the ‘Supreme Shine’ package, and riding the conveyor belt through the entire wash cycle. He emerged from the rinse stage, according to the footage, ‘visibly refreshed.’ He was unconscious by the wax stage. His blood alcohol level was .23. He told paramedics he ‘just wanted to feel something.’
Kevin Patrick "Return Policy" O'Shaughnessy
| Age | 55 |
|---|---|
| Gender | Male |
| Race | White |
| Booking Date | March 29, 2026 at 1:30 AM |
| Booking Number | JR-2026-000177 |
Incident Details
DISCLAIMER: This booking report is entirely fictional and satirical. This is not a real arrest record. Any resemblance to actual persons is purely coincidental.